Have you ever heard of Dr Gary Chapman’s love languages? He’s an anthropologist, pastor and marriage counselor who wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ and it’s just brilliant. I’ve bought two copies over the years, neither of which is currently on one of my bookshelves as I keep lending them out and forgetting who I’ve given them to! (If you’ve got one of my copies, please let me know ☺).
The five love languages according to Gary are ‘Words of Affirmation’, ‘Acts of Service’, ‘Receiving Gifts’, ‘Quality Time’ and ‘Physical Touch’.
I first read the book quite a number of years ago and I remember thinking ‘I wish I’d read this when I was still married’. Until I read that book, I honestly had absolutely no idea how I liked to be shown love. None whatsoever! But once I knew, I could see the patterns in past relationships – with partners and close friends – where I often felt they didn’t really understand me. Perhaps because I didn’t really understand myself, or what made me feel loved and valued in their eyes, so I was unable to articulate those needs to them. Who knew there were so many different ways to express or receive love! Yes, I am admitting how completely naive I was about matters of the heart. I am still learning. I’m not sure I will ever stop learning about my heart and what makes it tick in an emotional sense.
I’ve just done the quiz again and I got the same results I did all those years ago. I can’t remember the exact numbers of course, but I remember the order they were in and I know that Quality Time is most definitely my Numero Uno Love Language. Nothing makes me feel more loved than spending time with my favourite peeps. Preferably in small groups as that also satisfies my inner introvert who adores quality one-on-one time. And it comes as no surprise that Number 2 is Physical Touch as hugging is one of My Most Favourite Things in the Entire World – and long hugs are extra spesh.
The five love languages according to Gary are ‘Words of Affirmation’, ‘Acts of Service’, ‘Receiving Gifts’, ‘Quality Time’ and ‘Physical Touch’.
I first read the book quite a number of years ago and I remember thinking ‘I wish I’d read this when I was still married’. Until I read that book, I honestly had absolutely no idea how I liked to be shown love. None whatsoever! But once I knew, I could see the patterns in past relationships – with partners and close friends – where I often felt they didn’t really understand me. Perhaps because I didn’t really understand myself, or what made me feel loved and valued in their eyes, so I was unable to articulate those needs to them. Who knew there were so many different ways to express or receive love! Yes, I am admitting how completely naive I was about matters of the heart. I am still learning. I’m not sure I will ever stop learning about my heart and what makes it tick in an emotional sense.
I’ve just done the quiz again and I got the same results I did all those years ago. I can’t remember the exact numbers of course, but I remember the order they were in and I know that Quality Time is most definitely my Numero Uno Love Language. Nothing makes me feel more loved than spending time with my favourite peeps. Preferably in small groups as that also satisfies my inner introvert who adores quality one-on-one time. And it comes as no surprise that Number 2 is Physical Touch as hugging is one of My Most Favourite Things in the Entire World – and long hugs are extra spesh.
If you score lower in certain areas on the quiz, it doesn’t mean those love languages aren’t important to you, they’re just not essential to you feeling loved, and expressing love in return. I often squeal like a little girl if someone gives me a gift that I adore but I would probably trade that gift in for a bunch of gorgeous hours spent with the person who gave it to me.
So this is where it gets tricky and this is exactly why Gary Chapman wrote his fabulous book! We tend to show love for others in the love language we prefer, as that’s obviously what comes naturally to us. But if your partner’s love language is Acts of Service and they want you to help them with something around the house on the weekend but you’re wanting to spend time with them on a picnic because your love language is Quality Time, there’s the chance both of you can end up feeling really dissatisfied, unheard and in the extreme (over a long period of time), unloved.
As you can see, Receiving Gifts isn’t one of my main love languages but I do adore buying special things for special peeps. To celebrate or acknowledge something or ‘just because’ which is my favourite reason for showing love to someone. I love the whole experience. I love choosing gifts for them. I love covering them in gorgeous paper and pretty ribbons. I love writing heartfelt words in a card. I love dropping them off at the Post Office or presenting them to someone in person. Mostly because I know how much the recipient will enjoy receiving a little coloured bundle completely filled with love. For me the love and joy connected to gifts is most definitely in the thought, the preparation and the giving.
So this is where it gets tricky and this is exactly why Gary Chapman wrote his fabulous book! We tend to show love for others in the love language we prefer, as that’s obviously what comes naturally to us. But if your partner’s love language is Acts of Service and they want you to help them with something around the house on the weekend but you’re wanting to spend time with them on a picnic because your love language is Quality Time, there’s the chance both of you can end up feeling really dissatisfied, unheard and in the extreme (over a long period of time), unloved.
As you can see, Receiving Gifts isn’t one of my main love languages but I do adore buying special things for special peeps. To celebrate or acknowledge something or ‘just because’ which is my favourite reason for showing love to someone. I love the whole experience. I love choosing gifts for them. I love covering them in gorgeous paper and pretty ribbons. I love writing heartfelt words in a card. I love dropping them off at the Post Office or presenting them to someone in person. Mostly because I know how much the recipient will enjoy receiving a little coloured bundle completely filled with love. For me the love and joy connected to gifts is most definitely in the thought, the preparation and the giving.
One of the most precious gifts I buy each year is a Mother’s Day present. Unfortunately, it’s no longer for my sweet Mum as there are not enough stamps in the world to send Letterbox Joy to Heaven (although I know the love and hugs I send to her always arrive there safely) so I honour Mum in my own way each year by sending some Letterbox Joy to one of my friends who has children. It means I still get to buy a gift and one of the gorgeously worded cards adorning the newsagency walls. And each year I get to surprise a different friend which is just lovely. I also send a letter explaining why I’m doing it and thanking my friend for giving me something to smile about on Mother’s Day. So each year I turn a sad occasion into an Opportunity for Joy and Celebration – for myself and for someone I care about. It’s funny the things that make grief that little bit easier.
This year’s Mother’s Day gift for A Most Gorgeous Friend.
This year I also committed to sending five people a surprise in a ‘Pay it Forward’ challenge on Facebook so I’ve had lots of fun buying little things for those lovely people. I did buy most of the gifts before starting The Year of More but even though I’m still spending money on some extra gifts, I know they will bring smiles to their faces and joy to their hearts, so that most definitely fits with my philosophy for The Year of More… to Create and Spread Joy.
But as lovely as a gift might be, the love really is in the giving, not in the gift.
When I turned forty I asked some of my friends to not buy me presents and I was flabbergasted when they all arrived with armloads of gifts! I didn’t really understand at the time why they hadn’t listened to me but I now get that sometimes gifts are more about the person who’s buying them than the one receiving, and that you should smile, squeeze them in a hug and be ever so grateful that person is sharing their love language with you. It was a grand lesson to learn.
I think it’s actually hard for us to understand that something that speaks to our own heart in the deepest of ways, may completely glide over someone else, while they’re craving for someone to offer to mow the lawn or to tell them the meal they cooked was superb.
So think about what your partner’s love language is. Or if you don’t have a partner, think about how you like to show your love to others and how they show it to you. That’s the key. What they do for you or for other people in their lives, will show you what they would love being done for them. And sometimes we have to help people along a little bit by telling them what we’d like them to do in order for us to feel their love in the most significant way.
When I turned forty I asked some of my friends to not buy me presents and I was flabbergasted when they all arrived with armloads of gifts! I didn’t really understand at the time why they hadn’t listened to me but I now get that sometimes gifts are more about the person who’s buying them than the one receiving, and that you should smile, squeeze them in a hug and be ever so grateful that person is sharing their love language with you. It was a grand lesson to learn.
I think it’s actually hard for us to understand that something that speaks to our own heart in the deepest of ways, may completely glide over someone else, while they’re craving for someone to offer to mow the lawn or to tell them the meal they cooked was superb.
So think about what your partner’s love language is. Or if you don’t have a partner, think about how you like to show your love to others and how they show it to you. That’s the key. What they do for you or for other people in their lives, will show you what they would love being done for them. And sometimes we have to help people along a little bit by telling them what we’d like them to do in order for us to feel their love in the most significant way.
Gary has also written a book about the love languages of children. I haven’t read that one as I’m not a parent but I can only imagine how much of a difference it would make to know what your child’s main love language is. It won’t surprise you to hear that as a child, I craved my parents’ time and loved getting cuddles and hugs (and shoulder-rides from Dad!) above all else. One of my favourite ways to spend time as a child was to have tea parties and I was often quite happy playing with my dolls, teddy bears and the family cat Perry (a not-so-willing participant I might add – I’m positive his love language had very little to do with Quality Time) but I loved it when Mum had time to sit down and drink imaginary tea with me. Those times were ever so special and I can remember some of them to this day. And yes, I loved getting gifts for birthdays and at Christmas but I remember how much I missed seeing my Dad on Christmas morning if he was working - he did shiftwork during my entire childhood so we often celebrated as a family on Christmas Eve.
I’m sure I got my love of touch from my grandmother. We have glaucoma in our family and Nanna lost her sight when I was quite young. She would spend hours writing words and drawing pictures on my back while I sat on her lap. I have such vivid memories of that beautiful time we spent together. She also taught me the true value of the gift of sight. And that is one gift I never take for granted.
You can read more about the love languages at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and if you click on ‘Discover Your Love Language’ you can do the quiz, which will give you an idea which of the love languages resonate with you the most. Let me know what your top love languages are!
The Year of More Confession No. 1 (clearly, I’m assuming more than one will be required over the coming year): I bought an item of clothing – a pair of black tights to wear to work over winter. I had holes in a couple of other pairs so I now have three hole-less pairs which I’m sure will get me through the next couple of winters (they’re pretty mild here on the Sunshine Coast). The second part of my confession: I ordered something from Vista Print after categorically declaring in glorious blog print that I wouldn’t buy anything for a year ☹ But in my defence, I Had A Very Good Reason… one I will share in a future blog. All in good time dear friend.
Joyful hugs and words of affirmation ☺ (the others I would need to do in person!)
K xo
‘Love is a verb.’ Gary Chapman
The Year of More Confession No. 1 (clearly, I’m assuming more than one will be required over the coming year): I bought an item of clothing – a pair of black tights to wear to work over winter. I had holes in a couple of other pairs so I now have three hole-less pairs which I’m sure will get me through the next couple of winters (they’re pretty mild here on the Sunshine Coast). The second part of my confession: I ordered something from Vista Print after categorically declaring in glorious blog print that I wouldn’t buy anything for a year ☹ But in my defence, I Had A Very Good Reason… one I will share in a future blog. All in good time dear friend.
Joyful hugs and words of affirmation ☺ (the others I would need to do in person!)
K xo
‘Love is a verb.’ Gary Chapman
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