Twenty-Seventeen... The Year of More Love
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How many times have you lost the same kilos?

19/10/2014

2 Comments

 
One of ‘The Year of More’ goals I’ve struggled with the most, involves food. 

In my Very First Blog Post I boldly declared that ‘food items are obviously approved Items of Need but only when my fridge/pantry is without these items.’ 

Hmmm, that hasn’t really happened.


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I declared I wouldn’t buy chocolate if there was some already in the house.

Nope, that hasn’t happened either.

It appears New Chocolate is a frequent visitor to The Tree House.

I don’t even know what I was thinking putting that in writing.

I’m just not good with deprivation.

The more I deprive myself, the more I want the Item of Deprivation.

Thankfully this hasn’t applied to Everything to do with The Year of More (although, yes, there have been a few confessions along the way and no doubt there will be a few more to come) but limiting myself when it comes to chocolate and sweets, has definitely proven near impossible.

I was once publicly shamed at a Weight Watchers meeting for admitting that I’d eaten two squares of Lindt chocolate. Apparently - at two WW points per square - that’s A Very Bad Use of Points and quite a few people felt absolutely fine judging me for my choice. 

I seriously think they were considering burning me at the stake.

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I thought spending four little points on a couple of Incredibly Yummy pieces of chocolate was well worth it, but apparently I was in the minority. Some of those ladies were hard-core. It reminded me of when I sold Tupperware in my twenties and how I felt like I’d entered a cult made entirely out of plastic. It was fascinating to watch but I have a rather addictive personality and being anywhere near anything cult-like probably isn’t going to end so well, so I extracted myself fairly quickly.

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Pardon my French.
I remember most of the WW ladies gasping at one meeting as The Leader told us there was a dessert at Hog’s Breath Café which was worth 40-something WW points (or using my Calculator of Choice, 20 squares of Lindt chocolate) - which was about two days worth of points for me at the time. It sounded like one kick ass dessert to me.

And as soon as she mentioned it, all I wanted to do was eat it! 

That’s so naughty isn’t it? It’s little wonder I didn’t attend too many more WW meetings after that. Everything they warned us about, I desperately wanted to try.

I resisted the urge to go straight from that WW meeting to Hog’s Breath Café to throw myself head first into This Devilish Dessert but I still think about it whenever I walk past a Hog’s Breath and I have a quiet little giggle to myself. 

Speaking of giggling, in 2005 the Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee conducted a study about how many calories we burn off by laughing. Apparently it would take about an hour of pretty intense laughter (I’m thinking some snorting would definitely need to be involved) to burn off just one chocolate bar but seriously, eat a chocolate bar then laugh for an hour.


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I was a yo-yo dieter for most of my 20’s and 30’s – I would lose 20kgs and then slowly (and sometimes, not so slowly) I would put them all back on again. Sometimes they would bring friends with them and I would end up heavier than when I started. 

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I’ve had a very turbulent love-hate relationship with food.
 
So about nine years ago I decided to get off the diet merry-go-round because let’s face it, there isn’t much merry to be had on it.
 
I simply don’t believe that diets work long term. 

If they did, people would only ever need to go on one. 

And the diet industry wouldn’t be as massive as it is.

Because People Would Only Ever Need To Go On One.

Some diets may be effective for initial weight loss but they’re just not sustainable and most people struggle to maintain their new figure long term.

A Google search informs me that ‘During 2014/15, Australians are expected to spend $603 million on weight-loss counselling services and related low-calorie foods and dietary supplements’.
 
That’s an astounding amount of money. Although it’s minor compared to the $16 billion which will apparently be spent on fast food during the same period! Wow, that’s just incredible.

[Nerdy stats from www.ibisworld.com.au]

So nine years ago when I decided to get off the merry-go-round, I did a workshop about emotional eating and it was fascinating. 

Who knew I was an emotional eater?!

I ate when I was sad to stuff down the emotions I may not have wanted to completely feel but I also ate when I was happy, as food is such a wonderful celebratory friend. 

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The workshop also focused on mindful eating, which was an entirely new concept for me.

We were all given a small Easter egg and had to sit with it for a little while before we were allowed to remove it from it’s spectacularly shiny and enticing wrapper. We then held it in our hands for a few minutes (excruciating minutes I might add) and finally, finally we were given permission to take a bite. 


Just one bite. 

It was seriously the best piece of chocolate I had eaten in my life up to that point.

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We were then told we could either finish the egg or throw the rest of it in the rubbish bin. I can barely believe I’m admitting to this, but I actually threw mine in the bin because I felt completely satisfied with That One Bite. 

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I know, it sounds absurd to be satisfied with Just One Bite of Chocolate but that’s how mindful eating works. You listen to your body so you’re aware of when you feel full and when you feel satisfied. Often when we crave something – chocolate for instance – we devour an entire block rather than checking in with our body to see when we’ve actually satisfied that craving. After that first bite, it really is more habit driven than anything else.

But it was a fascinating exercise. For me, mindful eating is the key to healthy weight management. At that workshop I bought a book called ‘If not dieting, then what?’ by Dr Rick Kausman. It has been The One Thing which has inspired me to create a more loving relationship with food and my weight.


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As I said, I don’t respond well to deprivation, which is why attempting to completely eliminate anything from my diet or life, makes me crave it that much more.

So part of my plan was to build a better relationship with food. Which, like any relationship, takes time and energy and the desire to succeed.

I’ve always adored food and I’ve always had a particularly strong and close relationship with All Things Sweet. I get it from my Mum. She would tell me stories about spending all of her pocket money as a child on a Big Bag of Lollies, just as I would do. Until my pocket money was upped and I was able to save up to buy a book (and a small bag of lollies of course).

I realised early on in life that Lollies, Books and I were to be lifelong friends and I went from spending pocket money on them to spending large chunks of my salary on them. I am therefore extremely proud of not buying any books so far during The Year of More.

But I was to discover fairly quickly that wanting a better relationship with food wasn’t going to be easy after my enduring love affair with All Things Sweet. Relationships can be tough and this one was no different. Especially as I knew I would be the only one making any effort or changing. Lollies, chocolates, cakes, pastries and biscuits weren’t going to taste any less scrumdiddlyumptious were they? And my fat cells weren’t going to all of a sudden dislodge and float off into the atmosphere.  

So I knew it was entirely up to me.

And I instinctively knew that willpower wasn’t going to play a part in this relationship.

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Willpower can be incredibly fickle and Deprivation, well, she’s simply a Mean Girl.

So the first step in my goal to eat better was to eat worse. Yes, I know, that’s not what you were expecting to hear was it?
 
I gave myself permission to eat Anything and Everything I Wanted and let me tell you, I was very very good at it!
 
Within a couple of months, I had gained 7 kilos. I think I eventually upped that to 11 kilos which I thought was a pretty darn good effort!
 
I know this sounds rather ridiculous but I had a long-term goal to Farewell the Merry-Go-Round Forever, so I had to keep looking at My End Goal rather than getting bogged down by the fact that I was purposely putting on weight. I was at the point where I knew I had to do something different in order to break the cycle I’d been in my entire life.

Because during that time, I had truly believed that losing weight would bring me happiness. 

I truly believed that fitting into smaller clothes would make me feel better about myself. 

I truly believed that I would let go of my insecurities as I let go of the weight.

I truly believed that my self-esteem would rise, as the number on the scales got lower.


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This image appears on numerous websites… thanks to whoever created it!
It seems ridiculous to me now that I actually believed all of that.

Because clearly none of that happened. To my utter shock and horror, each time I lost a large amount of weight, I remained The Same Person. Exactly the same! I couldn’t believe that was possible. 


Surely Skinny Karen had a better personality? 
Surely Skinny Karen was more attractive to men? 
Surely Skinny Karen was funnier, wittier and more self-assured? 
Surely Skinny Karen would live happily ever after without even having to try because she was more deserving? 
Surely Skinny Karen no longer had a reason to beat herself up?
 
I had put so much faith in The Power of Weight Loss that I lost all faith in my own power to create A Most Wonderfully Fabulous Life.

And to love Me at any size.

That’s the power I set out to reclaim.

I wanted to break the cycle of ‘pigging out’ and then feeling guilty afterward. I wanted to get to the stage where I could eat whatever I liked without, (a) putting on weight; and (b) beating myself up about it afterward. Because although ‘beating yourself up’ sounds as though it might burn off a few calories, it really doesn’t. It’s all in our heads and it just perpetuates the cycle. We feel bad so we stuff those feelings down with food. And then we feel worse so we try even harder to stuff More Bad Feelings down with food, etc etc etc. And we never ever break the cycle and we continue to put on weight and feel bad about ourselves. And the longer it goes on, the worse we feel about ourselves.

I knew it probably wasn’t realistic for me to go straight from this cycle, to one of eating everything that’s good for me and feeling good about myself, but I figured a significant step in the right direction was to continue to eat whatever I wanted but to feel GOOD about myself instead of bad, despite how much weight I would put on. 

My goal was to eat what I liked but to be a more mindful eater so I wouldn’t want to eat as much food. But of equal importance was my goal to be content no matter what weight I was at. That’s not easy for someone who has always strived to 'Lose A Few More Kilos'.


Clearly I found this more challenging than I'd expected, hence the weight gain, but I was pleased to discover that I honestly didn't feel bad about it. Something had definitely started to shift and this inspired me to keep going with the non-dieting approach to healthy weight management.

I have been a size 8 and a size 18, and obviously everywhere in between.


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London, 1989
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Brisbane, 2001
On the left we have my 21 year-old self after a year of joyful and unrestrained pastry and lager consumption whilst living in London (and a dodgy blonde hairdo) and on the right is my 32 year-old self a few months before I got divorced. Divorce isn’t a recommended weight loss plan but anyone who's been through it will know it's an effective one to say the least.

I kept that black velvet dress in my wardrobe for years after I could no longer fit into it, as I really thought it would make me happy to squeeze back into it again. It’s funny how we get so attached to things like that. Fitting back into a wedding dress or a pair of jeans. Part of me felt I had failed by starting to put on weight again as I moved into a happier chapter of my life. How sad that I wasn't simply celebrating My Happy New Chapter.

Perhaps marriage is book-ended by weight loss as many brides-to-be lose weight because of the stress they're under. Although, given my Low Bride DNA, there was little chance of that happening to me of course (refer to my Low Bride DNA post here http://www.theyearofmore.com/blog/do-women-really-need-dresses). All the High Bride DNA women I knew had me convinced I’d lose weight so I bought a size 16 wedding dress with The Brilliant Plan of 'losing all the pre-wedding stress weight' and having it adjusted to a lovely size 14. 



Okay, so I was secretly hoping for a reduction to a size 12.

Just how stressful did I think organising a wedding was going to be??!!

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What I discovered, is that, (a) apparently you need more than just a plan (ie. it seems some form of action must be involved), and (b) it turns out having a small wedding on a tropical island ain't so stressful! My size 16 dress fit perfectly on the day and I would take a healthy happy lifestyle over stress-induced weight loss any day.

So after joyfully gaining 11 or so kilos at the beginning of my plan to Kick the Merry-Go-Round To The Curb, over the following few years, I lost a few of the kilos I’d put on and my weight finally settled into where it was most comfortable – a size 14. In the years since then I’ve pretty much stayed within five kilos of the same weight. For the first time in my entire adult life.

And I no longer beat myself up about what I eat. Ever.

If I want to eat two bowls of ice cream for dinner (lovingly referred to as Main and Dessert) I enjoy every single spoonful. I wouldn’t do it every night but doing it occasionally and knowing I’m not going to feel bad about it, is so incredibly liberating. And I’m not opposed to sampling a Lindt ball or two while I’m cooking dinner.

Here I am in Guatemala eating a most delicious chocolate brownie before my main meal. 
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So Much Fun having dessert first.
Unfortunately, I don’t always eat as mindfully as I’d like so that’s constantly a Work in Progress, but Food and I are definitely having the best relationship we’ve ever had. I think we really will Live Happily Ever After.
 
I now weigh ten kilos more than when I first joined WW all those years ago – when I JOINED, so clearly I wanted to lose five or so kilos back then – which means I’m now 15 kilos more than what I had once considered my Goal Weight. 

I can’t imagine what I was thinking. I’m tall, I’m big-boned (thanks Mum for constantly reminding me as an insecure teenager that I’d inherited the big boned DNA from Dad’s side of the family!) and I shouldn’t be trying to weigh something a Supermodel would be aiming for. Clearly, I’m not a Supermodel but after playing The Weight Game for more than 30 years, I now feel the most comfortable I have ever felt in my own skin. 

Besides, Supermodels probably aren’t likely to eat ice cream for dinner so why on earth would I aim for that kind of sad existence?


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And if one day, I just happen to fall into a calorie-ridden dessert at Hog’s Breath Café, I shall simply enjoy the excruciating sweetness of it all.

Wishing you the sweetness of life in whatever form that takes for you.

Joyful hugs,

Karen xo

‘Losing weight is not your life’s work, and counting calories is not the call of your soul. You surely are destined for something much greater, much bigger, than shedding 20 pounds or tallying calories. What would happen if, instead of worrying about what you had for breakfast, you focused instead on becoming exquisitely comfortable with who you are as a person? Instead of scrutinizing yourself in the mirror, looking for every bump and bulge, you turned your gaze inward?’ Lisa Turner, ‘Losing Weight: What’s the Point’




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How much would you pay for love?

6/10/2014

10 Comments

 
I need to begin with a ‘The Year of More’ Confession.

A few weekends ago I bought a DVD. 

Yes, I know, I promised I wouldn’t. 

But I did it for love. 

Truly.

Last year I had bought the movies ‘Before Sunset’ and ‘Before Sunrise’ on one DVD and when I finally got around to watching them a few weeks ago, I simply couldn’t wait to find out what happened to these characters in the third movie ‘Before Midnight’. 

I was so caught up in their love story that I broke one of my goals for The Year of More – to not buy any DVDs for 12 months. I briefly thought about renting it from my video store (yes, they still exist!) but I was pretty sure I would want to watch it again so I chose to invest $12.95 in my own copy instead. 

Did I need to buy it? No. But love makes us do irrational and impulsive things sometimes. 

On the Scale of Irrational and Impulsive Things this one is quite minor of course, but it’s a slippery slope to The Bigger Things. Trust me, I know from experience. That slope is desperately slippery at times.

I have done many, many, many Irrational and Impulsive things in The Name of Love.


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I rushed out to spend $12.95 on love and it wasn’t even my love story. It wasn’t even about Real People Who Actually Exist. It was about characters created by the imagination of someone else. And yet I felt completely invested in their love story and I literally couldn’t wait to find out what happened to them. 

Fictional love has a fairly hefty gravitational pull but real life love has the greatest gravitational pull of all.

Think about the romantic love stories in your life. 

The first one.

The grand ones. 

The painful ones. 

The one you perhaps still daydream about from time to time.

The one which continues. 

The ones which have ended.

The ones which helped you grow.

Which is hopefully all of the above. Love should always help us to grow. 

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I realise that DVD didn’t cost a huge amount of money but I broke one of my cardinal rules for The Year of More so that makes it a significant expenditure.

So it got me thinking about the price we pay for love.

The price we pay can be monetary.

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Or letting go of an ideal.

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Or giving up freedom.

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Or taking on responsibility.

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Image from Pinterest
Or facing the fear of having your heart broken again.

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Or the fear of vulnerability.

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‘I’m not going anywhere’.

Surely they are four of the most beautiful words ever put together to form a short sentence.

That’s love in itself isn’t it?

I think about all of these things when I think about falling in love again. Except perhaps, the ideal of him being taller, although I’m sure there’s another ideal kicking around in my heart that is screaming out to be satisfied. Although I think it’s simply that he will accept me warts and snorts and all for The Quirky Being I Am.

I applaud people who are brave enough to Love Again. 

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Because quite frankly it’s a scary prospect to the Little Miss Independent who resides safely in Her Happy Little Life.

That’s me, in case that was a tad vague.

I guess like anything in life, love is about doing a risk analysis. Yes, you can even be nerdy with love.

Is what I’m giving up – freedom, heart safety, possession of the remote control (omg, would that mean I might have to get the TV aerial fixed and watch football again?? Surely not!), financial independence, 100% decision making about my life, being responsible for Just My Little Old Self and most importantly, giving up the delightful life I’m living now.

In exchange for…


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A collage of photos from My Delightful Single Life
The Great Unknown Land of Love.

Love in its grandest of grand forms.

A love made of tougher stuff than all previous versions in my life have been.

A love to share in the most intimate of ways.

A love which withstands fear and vulnerability.

A love which grows as strong and solid as a gum tree.

A love which laughs out loud and snorts along with me.

A love which allows me to continue to grow as my own person.

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Those of you who are comfortable and secure in your love lives probably don’t remember the feeling of The Love Unknown. I know I didn’t when I was Happily in Love.

The Love Known is a place of security and never-ending possibility. It's a place people long to reside.

I’ve never forgotten sitting next to a couple on a plane flying from LA to London when I was a very naïve twenty-one year old. They were a couple in their thirties; he English, she American. She cried from the moment she sat down in the seat next to me. Not quiet crying. Gut-wrenching, heartbreaking sobs. After an hour or so, she got up to go to the bathroom and her husband and I got talking. He explained they’d just gotten married and they were moving to London to live. A happy story one might think. So why was she so upset?

Because she had two children she was leaving behind in California. I can’t quite remember why they couldn’t live in the States but there was some problem with his visa so they were going to live in the UK for a few years and then move to LA to be closer to her children.

Even my young, naïve self knew how significant that must be for a parent to do.

Leaving children behind is a rather hefty price to pay for love isn’t it?

Due to my insatiably curious nature, over the years I’ve often wondered what happened to them. Did their marriage survive or was the price she paid too high? How did her children cope in her absence? What message did her actions send to them about love and relationships?

When we hear about people making huge decisions like this, we often feel as though we have a right to weigh in. To have an opinion. And too often, to voice an opinion.

But we never ever know what’s really going on for someone else. In their head and their heart. We can never look at someone else’s life through our Life Lens. It’s hard enough making Big Life Decisions without having everyone judge you for them at the same time.

I remember thinking this was surely the most difficult decision of this woman’s young life and I felt compassion for her but I was also a little bewildered about how she could seemingly choose a man ahead of her children.

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Perhaps one of the most controversial and publicly debated Love Decisions was made by King Edward XIII. Edward (I feel I can call him that), gave up his place on the English throne on 10 December 1936 (having been King for less than twelve months) because he wished to marry Wallis Simpson, a twice-divorced American he had been having an affair with for a number of years. Edward and his love married and lived together in exile until his death in 1972. 

I’m sure his reasons for abdicating were not as clear cut as merely ‘being in love’ but I guess he felt he would find greater happiness with her, than he would being the King of England. Not a small price to pay.

That’s the interesting thing about the concept of ‘sliding doors’, we never ever know what our lives would have been like had we gone through the other door instead.

Where would you be now if you’d taken that chance on love?

Where would you be now if you hadn’t given up on that relationship which hadn’t quite reached its use-by date?

Where would you be now if you’d realised a long time ago that the person you’re with is not the person your heart truly longs to love?

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I saw a photo of an old love of mine online last week and he is now step-father to four children (he already has three of his own) and it took the wind out of me, even though it's not the first time I've seen a photo of them all together. The Irrational Impulsive Human that I am, automatically compared My Life to His which was an absolutely ridiculous thing to be doing. The rational part of me knew that.

But I did it anyway. Involuntarily and painfully. Until I stopped to remind myself that I chose a different life than the one I could have shared with him. And that I have a Most Lovely Life which I wouldn't trade for all the chocolate in Willy Wonka's little factory.

But sometimes our hearts squeeze with excitement or love or breathtaking longing for what once was. Or might have been. Or may still be. And yet the reality of it is always different than our vision because once we have ‘it’ or once we get ‘there’, our perspective changes yet again. That's where the premise of 'I'll be happy when' comes from. If we think like that, we'll never actually ever be happy because it's always something we're striving for. Something we’re trying to attain. Something we don’t yet have. 

I know I’m happy now. Right where I am. Happiness isn’t something I find elusive and mysterious. It’s not something that I’m always seeking. Because it’s already beside me.

Could I be happier with a partner? 

I think that would bring a different type of happiness to my life – and an entirely new set of challenges (to say the least!) - but not having a partner certainly doesn’t take anything away from the high level of contentment I feel most of the time. 

And I know from experience that love seems to find me when I least expect it. And often at a time that is rather inconvenient. But find me it does. And no doubt it will happen again.

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Who am I to argue with Love’s timing!

I often read about love that moves me to tears. I adore love so it doesn’t take much for something or someone to touch my heart. But this is something different than your typical love story. This is about letting go of love with a heart filled with love. This letter is written by a man to his wife of 20 years, on the day they got divorced. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-cheshire/an-open-letter-to-my-now-_b_5876984.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Imagine if we could all end relationships with this much love and respect for our partners?

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Love made me buy something else recently too. A wooden bench that will soon take up residence on my front deck. It has been lovingly made out of an old picnic table and painted blue as that was my Mum’s favourite colour. 

Did I ‘need’ a bench? No.

Did I want to do something special to honour my Mum. Absolutely.

Does my heart squeeze each time I read the words etched on the plaque I’ve had made for her? Every Single Time. Because the plaque is filled with words which embody the life she lived.

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It squeezes because the plaque needs to exist at all. 

It squeezes because I would rather she could sit on the bench – any bench - beside me.

It squeezes because I wish I’d loved her a little better while she was here. I wish I’d looked past her fears and her vulnerabilities and gravitated more toward the immense love she held for me.

There is no such thing as small love.

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Mum died three years ago today. 

The sun has risen and set more than one thousand times since I last sat by her side. As I gently held my hand over her heart as it took one last beat on this earth. Just as she would have felt for my first few heartbeats when I was born. 

Can there be a more patient love than that which is simply present as another soul breathes?

As I was born with a tireless desire to rustle through the debris to unearth the positives in every situation, I do my best to turn sad occasions into happier ones. Not necessarily happy ones, but simply happier than they would otherwise be. So I send another mother a Mother’s Day gift each year to ease the pain of not being able to send something to my Mum. And today I started another new tradition. I took three beautiful bunches of roses to the Buderim Crematorium and Gardens and I placed the flowers one at a time near the plaques devoid of flowers. I cried the entire time but it did fill my heart with a Kind of Happiness.

I walked around the gardens and read the messages of love forever etched onto plaques slightly tarnished by time. My heart squeezed as I saw two toy cars beside a boy who was stillborn. Toys he would never play with but which someone felt compelled to give. A ceramic pair of dance shoes sat patiently near a little girl who died aged six. 

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I posted the following ‘Karen’s Thought for Today’ on Facebook sometime last year and I thought it appropriate to share it here now:

Imagine if we had the opportunity to say goodbye to the people we love - they leave us, seemingly forever - and we truly feel the absence of them in our lives, we realise just how much we miss them and how much we value them and how we are eternally grateful they were woven into the colourful threads of our lives. And most of all, we deeply feel how much love we have for them residing in every corner and available space of our shattered hearts. Then imagine how we would feel if they were miraculously returned to our lives. How different we would be, how different our relationships would be, how awesomely different humanity would be. We think we know the impact loss will have on our lives but we don't until it actually happens. The reality of it is so very different - so much more brutal and heart-wrenchingly final - than anything our imaginations can possibly create. My wish is that we somehow find a way to feel that difference while our special someones are still here... so we appreciate them more, we accept them fully for who they are - right now, today - and we love them far beyond our capacity to love.

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Mother and child - now that’s a forever kind of love.

Joyful hugs,

Karen xo

'I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.' Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets


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    This is me

    Hi, I’m Karen Young and I live on the beautiful Sunshine Coast in Australia. I'm a passionate, nerdy, loud, quirky introvert who loves words, elephants, people, the beach, champagne, chocolate, sunsets, trees, travel, books, Joy of every kind but especially Letterbox Joy, Writing Joy and Theatre Joy. I adore being inspired to Live More, Love More and Be More. I love fiercely and hurt deeply. I make mistakes, lots and lots of lots of mistakes! And I learn from most of them although some lessons seem to take me a lifetime to learn so Life is most definitely a constant Work In Progress xo

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