Twenty-Seventeen... The Year of More Love
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact

What's your love language?

17/5/2014

0 Comments

 
Have you ever heard of Dr Gary Chapman’s love languages? He’s an anthropologist, pastor and marriage counselor who wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ and it’s just brilliant. I’ve bought two copies over the years, neither of which is currently on one of my bookshelves as I keep lending them out and forgetting who I’ve given them to! (If you’ve got one of my copies, please let me know ☺).

The five love languages according to Gary are ‘Words of Affirmation’, ‘Acts of Service’, ‘Receiving Gifts’, ‘Quality Time’ and ‘Physical Touch’. 

I first read the book quite a number of years ago and I remember thinking ‘I wish I’d read this when I was still married’. Until I read that book, I honestly had absolutely no idea how I liked to be shown love. None whatsoever! But once I knew, I could see the patterns in past relationships – with partners and close friends – where I often felt they didn’t really understand me. Perhaps because I didn’t really understand myself, or what made me feel loved and valued in their eyes, so I was unable to articulate those needs to them. Who knew there were so many different ways to express or receive love! Yes, I am admitting how completely naive I was about matters of the heart. I am still learning. I’m not sure I will ever stop learning about my heart and what makes it tick in an emotional sense.

I’ve just done the quiz again and I got the same results I did all those years ago. I can’t remember the exact numbers of course, but I remember the order they were in and I know that Quality Time is most definitely my Numero Uno Love Language. Nothing makes me feel more loved than spending time with my favourite peeps. Preferably in small groups as that also satisfies my inner introvert who adores quality one-on-one time. And it comes as no surprise that Number 2 is Physical Touch as hugging is one of My Most Favourite Things in the Entire World – and long hugs are extra spesh.
Picture
If you score lower in certain areas on the quiz, it doesn’t mean those love languages aren’t important to you, they’re just not essential to you feeling loved, and expressing love in return. I often squeal like a little girl if someone gives me a gift that I adore but I would probably trade that gift in for a bunch of gorgeous hours spent with the person who gave it to me.

So this is where it gets tricky and this is exactly why Gary Chapman wrote his fabulous book! We tend to show love for others in the love language we prefer, as that’s obviously what comes naturally to us. But if your partner’s love language is Acts of Service and they want you to help them with something around the house on the weekend but you’re wanting to spend time with them on a picnic because your love language is Quality Time, there’s the chance both of you can end up feeling really dissatisfied, unheard and in the extreme (over a long period of time), unloved.

As you can see, Receiving Gifts isn’t one of my main love languages but I do adore buying special things for special peeps. To celebrate or acknowledge something or ‘just because’ which is my favourite reason for showing love to someone. I love the whole experience. I love choosing gifts for them. I love covering them in gorgeous paper and pretty ribbons. I love writing heartfelt words in a card. I love dropping them off at the Post Office or presenting them to someone in person. Mostly because I know how much the recipient will enjoy receiving a little coloured bundle completely filled with love. For me the love and joy connected to gifts is most definitely in the thought, the preparation and the giving.
Picture
One of the most precious gifts I buy each year is a Mother’s Day present. Unfortunately, it’s no longer for my sweet Mum as there are not enough stamps in the world to send Letterbox Joy to Heaven (although I know the love and hugs I send to her always arrive there safely) so I honour Mum in my own way each year by sending some Letterbox Joy to one of my friends who has children. It means I still get to buy a gift and one of the gorgeously worded cards adorning the newsagency walls. And each year I get to surprise a different friend which is just lovely. I also send a letter explaining why I’m doing it and thanking my friend for giving me something to smile about on Mother’s Day. So each year I turn a sad occasion into an Opportunity for Joy and Celebration – for myself and for someone I care about. It’s funny the things that make grief that little bit easier.
Picture
This year’s Mother’s Day gift for A Most Gorgeous Friend.
This year I also committed to sending five people a surprise in a ‘Pay it Forward’ challenge on Facebook so I’ve had lots of fun buying little things for those lovely people. I did buy most of the gifts before starting The Year of More but even though I’m still spending money on some extra gifts, I know they will bring smiles to their faces and joy to their hearts, so that most definitely fits with my philosophy for The Year of More… to Create and Spread Joy.
Picture
But as lovely as a gift might be, the love really is in the giving, not in the gift. 

When I turned forty I asked some of my friends to not buy me presents and I was flabbergasted when they all arrived with armloads of gifts! I didn’t really understand at the time why they hadn’t listened to me but I now get that sometimes gifts are more about the person who’s buying them than the one receiving, and that you should smile, squeeze them in a hug and be ever so grateful that person is sharing their love language with you. It was a grand lesson to learn. 

I think it’s actually hard for us to understand that something that speaks to our own heart in the deepest of ways, may completely glide over someone else, while they’re craving for someone to offer to mow the lawn or to tell them the meal they cooked was superb.

So think about what your partner’s love language is. Or if you don’t have a partner, think about how you like to show your love to others and how they show it to you. That’s the key. What they do for you or for other people in their lives, will show you what they would love being done for them. And sometimes we have to help people along a little bit by telling them what we’d like them to do in order for us to feel their love in the most significant way.
Picture
Gary has also written a book about the love languages of children. I haven’t read that one as I’m not a parent but I can only imagine how much of a difference it would make to know what your child’s main love language is. It won’t surprise you to hear that as a child, I craved my parents’ time and loved getting cuddles and hugs (and shoulder-rides from Dad!) above all else. One of my favourite ways to spend time as a child was to have tea parties and I was often quite happy playing with my dolls, teddy bears and the family cat Perry (a not-so-willing participant I might add – I’m positive his love language had very little to do with Quality Time) but I loved it when Mum had time to sit down and drink imaginary tea with me. Those times were ever so special and I can remember some of them to this day. And yes, I loved getting gifts for birthdays and at Christmas but I remember how much I missed seeing my Dad on Christmas morning if he was working - he did shiftwork during my entire childhood so we often celebrated as a family on Christmas Eve.
I’m sure I got my love of touch from my grandmother. We have glaucoma in our family and Nanna lost her sight when I was quite young. She would spend hours writing words and drawing pictures on my back while I sat on her lap. I have such vivid memories of that beautiful time we spent together. She also taught me the true value of the gift of sight. And that is one gift I never take for granted.
Picture
You can read more about the love languages at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and if you click on ‘Discover Your Love Language’ you can do the quiz, which will give you an idea which of the love languages resonate with you the most. Let me know what your top love languages are!

The Year of More Confession No. 1 (clearly, I’m assuming more than one will be required over the coming year): I bought an item of clothing – a pair of black tights to wear to work over winter. I had holes in a couple of other pairs so I now have three hole-less pairs which I’m sure will get me through the next couple of winters (they’re pretty mild here on the Sunshine Coast). The second part of my confession: I ordered something from Vista Print after categorically declaring in glorious blog print that I wouldn’t buy anything for a year ☹ But in my defence, I Had A Very Good Reason… one I will share in a future blog. All in good time dear friend.

Joyful hugs and words of affirmation ☺ (the others I would need to do in person!)

K xo


‘Love is a verb.’ Gary Chapman

0 Comments

How does the word 'busy' make you feel?

4/5/2014

4 Comments

 
Does it make you feel joyful?

Or happy?

Or balanced?

Or inspired?

Or…

Does it make you feel stressed?

Or like you’re constantly rushing. 

Everywhere.

All the time.

Does it make you feel tired?

Drained?

Depleted to your very core?

The word busy is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as, ’having a great deal to do’.

We all usually have A Great Deal To Do.

Every Single Day.

It’s called Life.

Picture
Working. Volunteering. Learning. Looking after children, pets, significant others and ourselves. Cooking. Eating. Washing. Cleaning. Maintaining a house. Socialising. Celebrating. Loving. Staying in touch. Sleeping. Being happy. Saying yes when our bodies, minds and souls are desperately screaming noooooooooo!

I have recently eliminated the word ‘busy’ from my vocabulary and the changes I’ve experienced have been considerable.

Has my workload lessened? 

Has my ‘to do’ list shrunk?

Have I got access to more time or a Fairy Godmother?

No, to all of the above. 

(It would be very cool to have a Fairy Godmother though!)

The only thing that has changed is my perception of being busy and my attitude toward the word.

I feel we use busyness in a number of counterproductive and negative ways.

We use it to avoid. Just like with food and shopping and all the other avoidance tactics I mentioned in my first blog post.

To avoid feeling.


To avoid sharing.

To avoid making changes in our lives.

To avoid the gaps and the silences.

And what the whispers in them might reveal if we stopped to listen.

We use it to make us feel important and valued. 

We use it to lump everything in together in one big higgledy-piggledy heap.

But if we stop to unravel that higgledy-piggledy heap we often find there are many things in there we don’t really have to do Right This Very Minute. 

Picture
Eliminating the B Word has allowed me to create space – space that wasn’t previously there. But even if it were, I probably wouldn’t have noticed it.

The space to take a step back and realise Not Everything Has To Be Done Right This Very Minute.

The space to realise multitasking really is a fairy tale.

The space to take pressure off myself – no-one but me will ever notice if I don’t do (a), (b) or (c) as quickly, as fabulously or as regularly as I would like to, if Time Weren’t a Factor.

The space to decide how I truly want to spend my time.

The space to be proactive rather than reactive.

The space to be able to prioritise what needs to be done next.

The space to be mindful.

Picture
If you are mindful in each moment, there is literally no space for busy. If you do one thing at a time – from start to completion, you then create space for the next task or activity. I learnt this at the School of Philosophy a few years ago but I don’t think I truly understood the concept until I put it into practice recently. 

I actually broke up with Busy before I started The Year of More – I did it after a friend sent me a link to an article called ‘The Glorification of Busy’ and after reading that article I started noticing how often people (myself included) use the word busy in a negative way – ‘How are you?’ ‘Oh, I’m so busy’. I’m not sure why but it usually sounds negative and draining and like something you wouldn’t ever actually Choose To Do or Be. 


If you were mindful.

So as one of my objectives for The Year of More is to worry less and stress less, there’s a lovely alignment with continuing to let Busy be a relationship of my past. As with all relationships that are no longer part of our lives, there are reasons why we broke up in the first place. It appears we just weren’t compatible and we definitely weren’t making each other happy.

Picture
Since February I’ve been working on a pilot program at work which admittedly, has been draining and challenging at times but I have done my best to not describe my hours, days or weeks as busy and it really has made a huge difference to how I’ve dealt with the workload and the often short timeframes involved with completing some of the tasks. 

Even my manager has noticed a huge difference when I’ve been speaking with her about it. Usually I’d be rattling off my 'to do' list and I would actually feel the stress creep into my body as I’d be talking about it. But by eliminating the word busy, I’ve found it much easier to separate all the different tasks so they don’t blur into each other and become One Gigantic Mess of Must-Do-Right-Now’s. I’ve still done the same amount of work and I’m not saying no stress was involved as I didn’t always listen to my inner voice regularly and gently guiding me to Let Go of Busy. (Afterall, some exes are harder to let go of than others.) But I have certainly done it with much less stress, which has made a significant difference. 

Now, I’m not suggesting that you don’t actually have a busy life. As I said, we all have a great deal to do all the time and I know those of you with children to care for have much longer and more complex 'to do' lists and responsibilities than I do! And I’m not even suggesting you will be able to find any space to be less busy. What I am saying though, is that our attitude toward how we describe The Way We’re Using Our Time, makes a massive difference to how we experience that time while we’re living it.

Picture
Cartoon by Calvin and Hobbes
So I’d like to invite you to do a little experiment. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to spend Just One Month intentionally not using the word busy so you can see what happens for yourself. I honestly think you’ll be amazed!

Report back. Perhaps make some notes in a nerdy list or spreadsheet if you feel the urge :)

Joyful hugs,

K xo

‘We need to make sure that we never get too busy with life that we don’t have time to live.’ Daniel Willey
4 Comments
    Picture

    This is me

    Hi, I’m Karen Young and I live on the beautiful Sunshine Coast in Australia. I'm a passionate, nerdy, loud, quirky introvert who loves words, elephants, people, the beach, champagne, chocolate, sunsets, trees, travel, books, Joy of every kind but especially Letterbox Joy, Writing Joy and Theatre Joy. I adore being inspired to Live More, Love More and Be More. I love fiercely and hurt deeply. I make mistakes, lots and lots of lots of mistakes! And I learn from most of them although some lessons seem to take me a lifetime to learn so Life is most definitely a constant Work In Progress xo

    Archives

    December 2016
    August 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    September 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014

    Categories

    All
    Being Dumped
    Book Joy
    Chocolate
    Christmas
    Dad
    Dessert For Dinner
    Divorce
    Dresses
    Easter
    Failure
    Fear
    Food
    Job Satisfaction
    Karen-Joy-Mas
    Letterbox Joy
    Love
    Love Languages
    Low Bride DNA
    Mum
    Nerdiness
    New Year
    Self Love
    Spending Diary
    Stripey Bags
    Stuff
    Typewriter Love
    Weddings
    Weight
    Weight Watchers
    Work
    Wrinkles

    RSS Feed

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.